PRESENT A FILM BY FLUFFY THE KITTEN
STARRING BIC BIRO
and introducing Porter Girl
Bic was shoved towards the lobby by Big-Mouth and the long arm staplers. A car was waiting just outside, engine running. Pen Fatale was slumped unconscious in the front passenger seat. Bic tried to take a swing at Big- Mouth but something immediately hit him hard across the back of his head and he plunged into an inky-black pool of unconsciousness.
He came to in a small room. A very attractive woman in a bowler hat was sitting opposite him.
Ah, so you’re awake! My name’s Porter Girl, the spy with the big chest. Would you care for a cup of tea or something stronger ?
Where are we?
I could just make you a Vesper Martini, if you prefer and then you can have a really good look at my chest.
Bic realised that, pleasant as it seemed, he was still unconscious …
He came to in another room. Only this time his head was hurting like hell. He was strapped to a table. There was some sort of fiendish device pointing right at him.
Ah, so you’re awake! I am Vlad. Blot’s Chief Mad Scientist.
Hi. Nice to meet you. What the hell is that thing ?
That is my new Death Pen Laser.
Impressive. Only … are you sure it’s a laser ?
Of course it is. Why do you ask ?
Well, it looks like one of those flashlight pens to me. Very annoying but completely harmless.
But it said it was a Death Pen Laser in the catalogue.
A catalogue! You got it out of a catalogue!
Yes. 12 easy payments over 2 years. Interest free. Batteries included and easy to follow instruction manual with full-colour illustrations plus optional upgrades and 24 hour telephone helpline.
Oh Vlad. Dear sweet gullible Chief Mad Scientist Vlad. What the hell were you thinking. Tell me it came with a full warranty.
A 6 months guarantee then covering parts and labour ?
Er … no. Do you think they’ll give me a refund ?
A voice of pure malice and evil made the room they were in shake to its very foundations. Vlad crept into a corner and began to whimper and shake uncontrollably.
It belonged to non other than Le Quille, head of all BLOT’s global terror squads. He gave his Chief Mad Scientist a withering glance.
Vlad. You’re an idiot. Go away.
Vlad left the room, trailing a little line of ink behind him as he went. Le Quille turned his attention towards Bic.
Sorry about that. He’s new. 😕
It’s OK. Don’t worry about it. These things happen.
So we meet at last, Mr Biro. Or should I say, Biro07.
What have you done with Pen Fatale, you bloody quillian bastard ?
She is locked securely in a cell until I decide what to do with her, you four-coloured refillable freak boy!
OK, Le Quille. This Death Pen Laser thing. Are you intending to use it on me or are you just going to bore me to death ?
Le Quille pressed a switch. A panel slid open in the ceiling and a hideous contraption began to slowly descend towards the table on which Bic lay helplessly.
Porter Girl appeared by kind permission of …