BIC BIRO IS BACK …

BIC BIRO IS BACK …

Way back in April 2015, Bic Biro (Codename: BIROO7), that stalwart of MI6’s Stationery Department, made his WordPress debut. Since then he has had two further adventures and another is currently in the making.

Click on the links below to read Bic’s first outing.

https://awritersden.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/bic-biro-secret-agent-part-1/

https://awritersden.wordpress.com/2015/04/10/bic-biro-secret-agent-part-2/

https://awritersden.wordpress.com/2015/04/11/bic-biro-secret-agent-part-3/

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 8)

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 8)

Last time we saw our hero free himself from BIG KNIB’s clutches and dash across the control room where he saw a very tempting looking button …

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 7)

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 7)

Last time we left our hero in the clutches of evil billionaire, Alphonso Ferrari on his island fortress off the coast of Spain.

Yours will be the hand that pushes the launch button. You BIC BIRO will be the pen that destroys London. Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!

The whole control room was filled with Ferraro’s maniacal laughter.

Oh for God’s sake. Get a grip! You are a disgrace to biro-kind.

Sorry. It’s just that you crack me up!

Bic Biro glanced over towards BIG KNIB

Your boss has got a screw loose if you ask me. Nut job.

BIG KNIB immediately went over and grabbed hold of him.

Not too rough BIG KNIB. We still want Mr Biro fit to … SET THINGS OFF for us. Show him the ROCKET LAUNCH BUTTON!

It’s lovely. Thanks for showing me but I really must be going.

But forgive me Mr Biro. I’m completely forgetting my manners.  Allow me to offer you some light refreshment before you destroy London for me. 

BIG KNIB pushed him towards another part of the control room.

What kind of fiendish device is this you devilish swine!

It’s just a vending machine. Help yourself. I’m not completely heartless you know. Keep a close eye on him Big Knib. We don’t want our guest stealing all the crisps.

Bic felt his already vice-like grip tighten on him as he pressed for some COFFEE. 

Hmmm, very nice. Hot and strong. Just the way I like it.  Fancy a sip ?

Bic suddenly threw the entire contents of the coffee cup into BIG KNIB’s face. BIG KNIB howled in pain. Bic seized his opportunity and was able to pull himself free. He spotted something on the other side of the room and ran towards it …

Er … WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO ?

 

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 6)

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Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 6)

Our hero has landed by parachute on La Isla El Blotto, location of BLOT’s secret rocket base. He has just met the evil Alphonso Ferraro’s delectable girlfriend, Penny Lush. We now pick up the story as Bic is staring at the kneecaps of her enormous and brutish looking bodyguard, BIG-KNIB. He was in deep trouble. A charm offensive was his only option.

 So you’re called BIG KNIB. Such a pretty name.

BIG KNIB picked Bic up by the scruff of his biro neck.

Shut yer bleedin’ mouth smart-arse. I’m taking you to see Mr Ferraro. 

Bic smiled at Penny who just waved and continued sipping her cocktail under the palm-tree.

See you later gorgeous.

Bye handsome. 

They made their way through a maze of gradually downward sloping tunnels. BIG KNIB clomped clumsily along with Bic flung over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. After a while the tunnnels led out into a massive subterranean cave. BLOT operatives scurried around everywhere. In the centre was a rocket and the bomb was just being hoisted up to sit on its nose.

A loudspeaker clicked on and a sinister voice spoke …

Ah, good. I see that our visitor has arrived. Bring him up to the control room BIG KNIB.

Bic was dragged up a flight of steps and was greeted by Alphonso Ferraro himself. 

So you’re the famous Bic Biro. We meet at last. Are you really the very best that MI6 can offer! What fools you are to think you can come up against the forces of BLOT. 

I fully intend to blow you and your rocket-base to kingdom come, you treacherous swine. You will never destroy London!

Oh, you are such a funny pen, Bic Biro. Laugh at the funny pen, BIG KNIB … before you feed him to … THE SHARKS!!!

BIG KNIB’s enormous shoulders shook with laughter.

And those sharks are very hungry, boss. Starving!

I hate to spoil the fun but something has just occured to me. A slight problem. A bit of a plot-hole really. Rather embarrassing.

What ?

No. You’re OK. It’s probably nothing. Forget I mentioned it.

WHAT!!!

Well, I was thinking. Do sharks actually eat biros ?  

They eat a varied and balanced diet. I am sure that the occasional biro would be OK. I’ve read up on it. I’m somewhat of an expert on these matters you know.

Fine. Go ahead. You just get BIG NUTS here to throw me in then. And to hell with the consequences.

And what if I don’t want to throw you in!

But I absolutely insist you throw me in.

No. I’m running this show. I’ve changed my mind. You can stay here with me. Yours will be the hand that pushes the launch button. You BIC BIRO will be the pen that destroys London. Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!

Missing you already …

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Bic Biro is having a few days off. Another thrilling instalment of Rollerball will appear next week. Meanwhile, here is a message from the Biro himself …

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Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 5)

 

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Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (Part 5)

Warning: This episode may contain traces of nuts.

Bic Biro now has his latest mission. He is to proceed with utmost haste to La Isla el Blotto, a small island off the coast of Spain, owned by the evil billionaire Alphonso Ferraro. Once there he must locate the secret rocket launching site and disarm the atomic bomb currently aimed at London.

Bic Biro found his old car parked in the street just outside MI6’s headquarters. There wasn’t a moment to be lost. Every second counted if he was to save London.

He drove at breakneck speed through the busy streets and made his way to the airport where a military jet was waiting for him on the main runway.

Less than an hour later Bic Biro, pride of MI6’s stationery department, was floating down at the end of his parachute  towards La Isla el Blotto. 

The moonlit shores of the island rushed up to meet him and he was down. He looked around. Under a palm tree sat a beautiful pink lady-pen sipping a cocktail. She was absolutely gorgeous. Bic went over to talk to her. 

Hi. What’s that you’re drinking ?

Sex on the beach.

Well I’m certainly game if you are!

No silly. That’s the name of my cocktail.

My name is Bic Biro. You’ve probably heard of me.

Can’t say that I have. I’m Lush. Penny Lush.

Yes, you certainly are!

I’m Alphonso Ferraro’s girlfriend.

That’s interesting. I’d quite like to meet him.

Bic suddenly felt the ground shake as another figure joined them. He was enormous and built like a tank.

This is BIG KNIB. He’s my bodyguard. BIG KNIB, this is Bic Biro. He just dropped in here by parachute and says he wants to have sex with me.

Bic had a strange feeling that things were about to get interesting …

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 4)

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 4)

Fluffy the Kitten presents

BIC BIRO

IN

ROLLERBALL

The following morning Bic Biro was back in ‘M’ ‘s office at MI6’s stationery office. ‘M’ was sounding quite pleased for once.

Your hunch was correct, Biro07. They are map coordinates.
It’s a tiny island off the coast of Spain, known to the locals as La Isla El Blotto. It is owned by the eccentric billionaire, Alfonso Ferraro. He is a known BLOT sympathiser who bankrolls many of their darkest machinations. This is the picture we have of him on our files. 

But he’s a biro! He’s a traitor to all biro-kind.

He has no moral scruples whatsoever.

Have BLOT been in contact again ?

Yes. They have given us a deadline. We have 24 hours to accede to their demands – 20 billion pounds and Kate Upton’s telephone number. Otherwise, they will reduce London to a  pile of irradiated rubble. 

You’ve got to get me in there!

Are you talking about Miss Upton again ? 

‘M’ really!  I was referring to La Isla El Blotto. 

Yes, of course. We’ll parachute you in under cover of darkness. You will have to disarm the atomic bomb and destroy the rocket launching base. As for Alfonso Ferraro – well, I’ll leave that decision to you. A submarine will be waiting for you when your mission is complete.

There was a knock at the door. A rather quirky looking pen entered the room. It was ‘Q’, MI6’s eccentric gadgets and weapons expert.

Hello Biro07, I have some new gadgets for you to try out on your mission.

Er … Very nice, but not my size.

Don’t need one!

 

Cheap and tacky.

Out of the bloody arkNow you’re just taking the piss!

Hang on a minute. Aren’t you Nigel from packing ?

I’ve been on a conversion course. I am now Nigel the exploding pen. I’ll explode right now if you want me to.

‘M’ and ‘Q’ both dived under the desk. Bic just smiled.

Look I don’t need all this stuff. Really I don’t. Not even you Nigel. All I need are my wits, my ravishing good looks and a rivetingly good but ever so slightly improbable storyline that always gets me out of trouble.

Have it your way, Biro07. Your old car is right outside the building. You will drive through the streets of London at breakneck speed until you arrive at the City Airport where a military jet is waiting for you on the runway.

Well, I’d better be off then.

London needs you Biro07. Britain needs you. Kate Upton needs … an older man’s wisdom and experience. 

I won’t let you down.

God speed Bic Biro.

As Bic made his way down the stairs there came a muffled explosion from ‘M’ s office followed by ‘M’ s angry voice.

Oh for Christ’s sake, Nigel! I didn’t ask for a bloody demonstration. Get him out of here ‘Q’ !

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 3)

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 3)

Fluffy the Kitten presents

BIC BIRO

IN

 ROLLERBALL

Mr Wong is about to tell Bic Biro the location of BLOT’s top-secret rocket base. 

The rocket base is located at …  

Almost before the words left his lips there was the sound of gunfire and Wong slumped forward into his bowl of chop suey. Outside, a motorcycle carrying a BLOT assassin sped away into the night.

Wong was still alive but only just. He was leaking ink badly. Bic cradled Wong in his arms. He was a hard and ruthless agent and he saw death everyday. But it was never easy. Death was never easy. 

Er … OK. Now where were we ? Ah,yes. You were about to divulge the location of BLOT’s top-secret rocket base.

Wong grimaced in pain.

It’s OK Wong.Try not to talk. Er … no. On second thoughts … TALK!!! 

The sweat ran down Wing’s tortured face.

OK … tell you what. Write it down. You must have a little bit of ink left, surely.

Wong summoned up any remaining strength he had left and painfully scrawled some letters and numbers on the back of a menu. And then his ink ran out. Bic had a hunch that they were some form of map coordinates.  

He noticed something Wong had been clutching in his left hand. It was a small piece of paper from out of a fortune cookie. Bic smiled a wry smile when he read what it said.

Bic made a quick phone call.

Hello Control. Biro07 here. A clean-up is needed at Wong’s takeaway. He’s … off the menu.

Then Bic Biro walked out into the night.

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 2)

Bic Biro in … ROLLERBALL (part 2)

If you missed part one … here it is

Fluffy the KittenProductions

 Presents

BIC BIRO

IN

ROLLERBALL

It was getting late when Bic Biro, MI6’s finest, arrived at Wong’s Chinese takeaway. An oriental gentleman stood behind the counter eating a bowl of chop suey. He looked up as Bic walked in.

Sorry. The Chef has just finished for the night. I am about to lock up.

Mr Wong I presume. 

Yes. I am Wong.

Well Mr Wong. I would like to talk to you about an organisation called BLOT. 

BLOT ? Never heard of them.

Well let me try and jog your memory. BLOT have stolen an atomic bomb and they are threatening to launch it at a major city in the United Kingdom unless they receive 20 billion pounds and Anne Widecombe’s phone number. 

But I thought it was Kate Upton’s … Oh bugger!

Ah ha! 

Damn! Now I’m going to have to do the honourable thing and commit ritual suicide.

Yes, but before you do I need to know why BLOT wants to destroy Liverpool. 

Surely you mean London. Damn! Oh I am so ashamed of myself.
My ancestors are going to be so pissed off with me.

So all I now need to know is the exact location of the rocket launching site.

 

Never!

Then I have no option but to use the special MI6  interrogation technique known as Guessing Torture on you. Is the rocket launching site in … Cricklewood ?

No.

Berlin ? Paris ? Budapest ? Amsterdam ? Oslo ? Moscow ? 
Oz ? Oompa Loompa Land ? Neverland ? Thailand ?

Look I do have a ritual suicide to arrange. I mean, they don’t just arrange themselves you know. So wouldn’t it save time if I just told you!

Well. Ok. If you absolutely insist.

The rocket base is located at … 

 

Bic Biro is back in … ROLLERBALL!

Bic Biro is back in … ROLLERBALL!

FLUFFY THE KITTEN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

BIC BIRO

IN

ROLLERBALL!

It is late afternoon and Bic Biro, licensed to write, has been summoned to M’s office in the heart of MI6’s stationery department in London. Miss Olivetti, ‘M’s attractive secretary, looks up from her typing and smiles.

Hi Bic. Go on through. He’s expecting you. 

‘M’ is looking worried.

Biro07. I have an important assignment for you. The nation’s fate may well rest in your hands.

‘M’ ?

Our communications section has just received an email from BLOT. They have stolen an atomic bomb. They are threatening to launch the bomb at a major city in the United Kingdom unless we give them £20 billion  pounds and Kate Upton’s phone number.

So you want me to ring Kate and see if she’s up for it ?

You mean, you know Kate Upton !?

Well, we’ve certainly shared some quality time together.

Oh for heaven’s sake Biro07 !

And you also want me to save London ?

They haven’t mentioned London specifically.

So you don’t want me to save London ?

Shut up, Biro07 and listen!

Yes ‘M’

We have reliable intelligence that a BLOT sleeper agent has just started operating from a Chinese takeaway in Tooting. His name is Mr Wong. You need to pay him a visit and find out where the bomb is located and what the target is. I am sure I don’t have to remind you of the gravity of the situation. Do whatever it takes.

I may have to order a meal.

Whatever it takes, Biro07. To hell with the expense.

And if I find out that the target is NOT London … do you still want me to bother ?

Oh for God’s sake, Biro07. 

Just my little joke ‘M’. To relieve the tension. I’ll be off then.

Good luck Biro07. Britain is depending on you.

Thank you ‘M’. I’ll do my best.

And er … Biro07.

‘M’ ?

Could you just tell me Miss Upton’s phone number if you don’t mind. Just in case you don’t make it back.

Certainly ‘M’. It’s ….

… to be continued